I read Maybe You Should Talk to Someone by Lorrie Gotlieb once a year. There’s a gem on every page, but some quotes stand out to me and have been percolating in my mind lately.
Nothing is more desirable than to be released from an affliction, but nothing is more frightening than to be divested of a crutch. James Baldwin
While I know where I want to go, I am also comfortable with where I am. The comfort feels known, cozy, and safe. However, the path and work involved in getting there are hard, unknown, uncertain, and lonely at times.
I’ve been fat or been called fat since I was three. I don’t think I was even fat at three, but that’s beside the point. However, this characteristic has been embedded into my being, and in some way or another, I have used it as a crutch as to why I haven’t succeeded in other fields of my life. Now, as I start to question this part of my reality, I know the steps necessary to not be fat. Still, it’s also profoundly terrifying because being fat is safe. So leaving that identity, though good for my health, is also very scary because then what excuse will I have? What will I do without my crutch? Who will I be? With the fat, will I also lose a part of me?
“We can’t have change without loss, which is why so often people say they want change but nonetheless stay exactly the same.’
Food in Mexican culture is a way of showing love, celebrating, and bonding. Food has also been the most tangible connection to my family and culture, especially since I live abroad. Therefore, changing what ultimately connects to my loved ones and roots is especially jarring. I’m shifting my mindset from an all-black-or-white mentality to reinventing the wheel. “How can I make delicious, healthy food that celebrates and incorporates my culture?” Perhaps there will be a loss in not having tacos every day, possibly disappointing a tia (aunt) in declining seconds, but those are the small sacrifices I’m choosing to make for a healthier me. The loss of an excuse, or fat as a crutch, will be something that I continue to explore with my therapist.
Suley 